Wonderful Wondering

Had a wonderful time with Deb and friends, it was incredibly packed and short and delightful. I worked Tues and Thurs, so only had Tuesday night and Wednesday day to be sociable. We got the room emptied just in time for them to arrive ... yay! (Now advertising for a renter as the girl upstairs is in too much of a soap opera of her own to take on more space at the moment ... a whole other story).
Tuesday night ended up being a quiet evening with just Deb and Michael and I and some nice wine ... delightfully quiet and relaxing. Wednesday started a little slowly with me getting a couple work things out of the way, and putting out the first Roommate ad. Deb and I had some time to hang out, doing girl-talk, before heading up to Cedars for an afternoon of pure delight. Friends being at ease and at peace, getting things out when we felt like it, and eating nonstop like piggish kings :) More good wine too, Cedar has the most wonderful taste and sense of being a hostess ... quite effortless-seeming though I know she plans it well.
We met up with a friend of Cedar's and Deb's friends later in the Village, and hopped around talking and laughing and having a good time, ending up with hunting for a place to dance. (They were successful in that after I went home and crashed as my body was demanding ... somehow cold medicine and adrenaline can alter your sense of when you've had enough, not just of alcohol but of just plain energy to keep going)

That was the Wonderful part ... fellowship, female friends, food, freedom, and just plain enjoyment in each other's company.

The Wondering part ... basically am I really as unhappy and miserable as people are telling me I am? I've had several people say how pent-up and unhappy I seem to be, and a couple months ago I would have agreed to that easily. The last few weeks I didn't feel that way at all, or at least not for long. Upbeat about renting the room, not fussing about finances generally, focusing on what CAN be done and pushed forward ... and looking forward to getting more time to coach soon. I obviously don't see myself as others' do, but I don't consciously feel the way I seem to be seen by others. It's quite possible that I'm too mired in where I'm at to have a clear perspective. When I'm told how I seem, I'm quite ready to feel emotional about it, and empathized with, as there are things in my life that I wish heartily were different. But I'm trying to learn the old "accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference" bit. What's worth fighting and what's meant to be accepted? I can accept not having money as a good thing. Seen a lot of good come out of it. I can also work hard to change it, at things that I enjoy and things that I learn to enjoy. Mike's Promises song says it so well, wish I had the lyrics here. Learn to BE where I'm at, and enjoy it and accept it for what it is. I can change myself, I'm not responsible to change others. Feels like there's a nugget in there somewhere that has to do with what it means to be fully yourself and also fully one with my husband, be Me and be a Family. Gonna Wonder about that one for a bit :)

Thanks Deb for coming. Means the world to me. As do you. Crying at work isn't recommended so I'll sign off for now ;)