planning, not planning, making space, coincidences ... been a lot of that lately.

yesterday i was lugging home a huge cart of groceries, had a tired douglas trailing behind, and knew that i couldn't very well/shouldn't bump it backwards up the steps ... and lo and behold i'm 10 steps away from the gate and see my brother-in-law crossing the street. he'd come to pick up tools. he did the job happily :) and i didn't strain myself. been feeling it lately when i overdo it, my whole belly starts to feel heavy, tired, and just plain strained. like when i did too many stairs on saturday trying to catch trains. getting better at slowing down a bit

timing of visits and travel, realizing that some things are too much for me, and that I need space sometimes tho i feel guilty for asking for it.

needing to get out of the city soon for perspective. realizing there's a nyc cycle for me of some sort, and that i have to pull away from it to balance myself. billy joel tickets in philly in march should help that, and we may try to make a bit of a vacation out of it and go on the road. feeling the need of making connections too.

timing of this new kid on the way ... and the times (s)he kicks me. which have increased exponentially in the last 2 days ... perhaps hanging with k on saturday, also pregnant and due a month before me (thanks so much!!) sent the message to my nugget to get the act together. you know how women who hang together end up on the same cycle? something like that.

maybe it's just the pregnancy thing, but starting to feel a bit in tune with the ebb/flow of things a bit more. the bigger picture. been so wrapped up in my own emotional upheavals lately (hormones, fellowship questions, and stirring of roots that go back to my birth) that i've lost touch with many things. and people. but feeling that the timing of it is good for now, and right, and that all my frustrations with silly things like piles of wood in my kitchen are just symptoms of deeper issues that are bubbling up. i don't think i'm fighting them anymore, but learning to relax into them. feeling a bit more and thinking a bit less the last few days, and it's good.

timing of this kid ... not at all what i expected to happen in the long run (4 years apart) but think it's perfect. i know i'll have a hard time adjusting to all the baby things again, but looking forward to it with a new awareness of what's coming, and more real anticipation than last time. i have the baby bug :)

timing at this very moment ... 5 minutes till i have to walk out the door to get home before the sitter has to leave. starting march 1, I'll only be working 3 days a week in the office!! great timing there, that means one less day of rushing home from manhattan, and one day a week where I can pick up douglas at 3 instead of 6, and relax into the evening rather than rush through it. supposing that i use the 6 hours at home well and get my coaching work done :)

on the back burner? pondering what to do with my 'subway stories' which seem to write themselves, and happen more and more often. will continue enjoying them for now. the latest is at www.bethanyrule.com in case you're interested.