I managed to go over the edge in the last 24 hours, and I'm not too happy about it. M has been gone since yesterday morning, DOV is on spring break so was home all day yesterday, and I have an exam and research paper due Friday that I've barely started. Yesterday afternoon I wanted to work while he napped, and ended up falling asleep with him. Woke up to the phone, chatted too long, then did some coop school stuff, and finally started my research ... 10 minutes before he woke up. Made dinner (any good recipes for dandelion greens?? urban organic keeps sending them, and the saute version was way too oily last night ... anyhow) and read books, then put him to bed. That's where the ugliness started ... as he's been demanding more and more that we sleep with him. He's slept on his own, alone, since he was under 5 months old. The last 5 months or so he's wanted someone to sleep w/him, and we've been doing the "I'll lie here for 10 minutes" thing fairly often, and sometimes falling asleep ourselves. It's getting worse, and I suspect has something to do with new-baby talk, but not sure. He claims he's afraid to sleep alone, but I don't quite believe it ... not really.
So last night he begs me to stay, but gets fierce quickly ... grabbing my arm, etc ... and having a major meltdown. I refused, walked out and calmed myself down, came back and argued and talked till he calmed down. Mentally watching the whole nighttime thing spiral into a family bed that neither M nor I want. No way we're fitting 4 of us in a double. Leaving him to scream was something I couldn't stand. By the time I came out to do my work I was exhausted. Needless to say I wasn't happy with myself for yelling, or him. Did online research that turned up exactly one helpful statistic, got depressed, chatted to a friend for a bit online, and went to bed. I felt badly enough that I went and got him and brought him into bed with me.
All fine till 5:45 am when I had to go to the bathroom, and he woke up. WIDE awake. The drama goes on and I'm too tired to type it, needless to say I tried to sleep till the alarm at 8:10, he didn't at all despite 500 "be quiet or go to your room"'s from me, I finally sent him back to his room at 7:30, and got a whopping 20 minutes more sleep. He'd just come out of the bathroom at 8:10, was naked and rooting for clothes for the day when the sitter rang the bell ... I'd totally forgotten she was coming early (9am usually). Screaming kid who wants to go to the door but not naked and *must* dress first, alarm ringing, me in pj's (thankfully) and starving, and chaos reigned. Managed to make him a sandwich for breakfast and get him out the door, before falling apart. Way too much yelling, frustration, and anger, all coming out of me. Sure he was being bad, but not that bad, and I made it way worse by getting angry myself.
So far tonight he's lost video priviledges and cat-touching priviledges for the next 24 hours and we'll see how the rest of the evening goes.
I have to deal and move on, but feel guilty none the less. Such are bad mom days I guess.