Life After Fynn

Here I am, in a rare moment of quite, peace, and happiness. The quiet and the peace are the rare parts, the happiness is pretty steady. Fynn sleeps on the bed next to me, "duck-butt" position as my MIL calls it, on his stomach with his butt in the air and knees tucked under him ... it seems to relieve his frequent abdominal rumblings, something that I'm reluctantly remembering from when the DOV was born. New mantra for such things : this too shall pass. So will the snuggly, charmed, dead-asleep in my sweaty arms moments that leave me happy and dozing on the couch ... all the more reason to slow down, not that I have a choice.

(aside: they're filming the Sopranos next door to me today, and the street is full of gear, techies, bored people, trailers, lights, and the like. Too hot to go hope for a celebrity glimpse, tho we did walk by once)

My sister just left today, and I promptly burst into tears. It's been heaven having her for a week, full of snippets of conversation, loads of help around the house, and that magical extra pair of arms that swoop in to take care of whatever needs doing. I'll miss her. Something about having blood relatives who just plain "get" you, with no agenda or judgement, is bliss. Mom was here for a week too (Fynn's 2nd week) and it was similar ... though I'm probably a bit more guarded with her than Martha because of that "I want my mom/dad to approve of everything" compulsion, which I never seem to shake though it doens't affect my life like it used to. I told her more stories than I ever have, and was more open about our life here, which felt wonderful.

Realized something when talking to a friend a couple weeks ago, regarding the community thing. I've been craving it, in many ways, ever since we left chicago where I had a readymade cadre of friend, family, church, etc that I could tap into whenever I wanted. The 2 years in PA had fellowship of a sort, but not what I'd expected. The lonliness grew, and I couldn't wait to get out, though it did hurt to leave (mandatory for me to be ready to leave a place: it has to hurt somehow). We've been here almost 3 years, and I'm only in the last 8 months finding friends, but still have been carrying an empty place around in my heart ... wanting to 'fit' somewhere. Have a place/role that I knew was mine, and fill it. Had that as a 'meeting princess' I think as a young teenager, but have fought wanting it ever since (and not having it, being glad for that, but somehow craving that "I BELONG" feeling that was so strong. I babble ... having Fynn all of a sudden made my family my community, and the hole isn't there anymore. I still crave fellowship outside my family, but the hole disappeared. Funny.

Been struggling a bit with 'baby blues', though nothing more than a cry/vent here and there. Huge adjustments to being home 24x7, and yes I do miss work. Not just friends there, but getting out of Ft Greene more than once every 2 weeks. Realistically that will get much easier as Fynn adjusts to the sling/stroller, and the weather gets a bit cooler so he doesn't boil everywhere, including at home. I fight for social time, and crave adult conversation. Thank God for moms who call for playdates and invite me over into air-conditioned heavens. I set up the birthing pool last week in the backyard, which was a huge help. Finding ways to get a few minutes alone each day has become #1 priority, and I'm afraid it means making myself into a morning person. Any ideas on how to do that? Obviously getting to bed at night, before 1am, helps ... that alone is hard, though I often fall asleep w/Fynn. I guess I have to want the alone/am time more than the evening time. Don't know if I do yet.

going to nap.