michael is out moving into his new art studio in park slope/gowanus (.5 hr from here) with R his studiomate. happy that he's so excited, glad to have his art stuff moving out, very mixed feelings otherwise. obviously he'll be away from home more than ever if he's to get anything done there. adds financial obligations. means I can't share in his art the way I was doing by occasional commenting, slapping on paint, etc.

had a meltdown at 1am due to Fynn's chest congestion moving on up into his head and nose, meaning that he woke up and wanted to nurse but couldn't breathe when he tried to. i'm in the middle of a heavy cold and had gone to bed virtually when he did, hoping for a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. not to be. did some hashing with god about what i can/can't want. wanting a chunk of life (ie coaching) that doesn't involve my kids directly or is deliberately separate from having care of them doesn't seem to be an option right now. felt strongly that i was being told that I wasn't allowed to want outside of my family. didn't get the idea that I wouldn't/couldn't get things outside, but that the craving of them wasn't allowed. sit back and see what I'm given. got a fresh coaching lead sunday so waiting to see what comes of that. have e-mails to send about group phone coaching for sahms, seem to be stalling on that, probably afraid that i won't get enough people like the last 2 times i've tried.

have pics i'm dying to post, but haven't gotten them scanned yet. d brought over the pics she took during fynn's birth and many are share-able. gave me chills to see it that way again and remember the emotions that went along with it.