defeated

He won. I gave in Saturday night, feeling utterly defeated and spent. (I'm referring to this, which hasn't been solved.) I've been listening, but not bending. Just waiting, tense, to see what will come.

I'd been too depressed to write or really function much on Friday and Saturday. Saturday night I was making dinner, cut my finger open twice in 10 minutes, and fell apart. overwhelming emotion was utter and complete defeat. i slowly realized i've still been trying to do it all under my own steam for the last umpteen years, only asking for help when it's big. i want credit for what i accomplish that way, and he gets it for the miracles. somehow? that just doesn't work. at all. my ego has to go out the window. entirely. i'm NOTHING without Christ. nada. and that finally sunk in. we shall see, could have many implications in how i coach, live, etc but i feel a huge relief. i don't want to fight anymore. ironically i feel a lot more able to be myself, use my skills, etc and not worry about being proud in it. it's only because of Him. my desires and hopes are still there, but I'm at peace as to how to pursue them, or not.

we baptized both the boys yesterday also, had been planning to for a couple months and the day was just right. D was very excited by it, and pleased. Will see if he takes it to heart or not.