babble

Technological tailspin ...

I have this thing about technology that drives me nuts.  I love to conquer it, make it do what I want, and then move on.  I love learning new things, but hate doing them over and over.  I've taught myself pretty much everything I know about web design, domain hosting, email routing, and all that jazz, but I don't keep good records.  That means I set up a home network, but forget to write the passwords down in a place I'll find them again.  I figure out how to point a subdomain of my site over to blogger so I can host my blog hidden from my clients, and then forget that's what I did and move my site to a new host and lose my blog.  I can't seem to undo it to get it back, so have to change the url with no warning.  Those random readers didn't matter so much I guess, not that I get many comments.
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catching up


posted over here, and over here several times. the week is sludgy feeling, I'm still in a muddle, and going and spending a lovely gift certificate over here this afternoon helped only a wee bit. perhaps when I actually make something with what I bought I'll feel better. last night involved lots of barf (d was sick), little sleep, and an fridge/freezer defrosting that was required due to our #$%#$ freezer that sometimes doesn't shut quite perfectly, gets all frosted up over the vents to the fridge part, and then the fridge gets absurdly warm as it gets no cold air. have to empty/defrost/dry out/ the whole thing about 2x a year. at least it was fridge-temp on the porch and we could park stuff out there for a few hours!

off to bed, field trip w/D's class tomorrow. that's them above. oh, had F's parent/teacher conference today which went as expected. having one for a two-year-old seems a bit silly. other than random hitting of his classmates for no apparent reason, he's doing just fine.

waiting


I've been waiting a lot lately.
... to figure it out, the why-am-i-so-frustrated-and-moody-and-sad part
... to find my heart and talk to it
... to get a real winter snow
... to find more patience
... to decide what to do with my coaching and my other site
... to find some enthusiasm again
... to get my first two half-frozen-marathons over and done with
... for more sun
... for a mentoring kind of friend to show up here
... to find ways to be creative again
... to learn to slow down
... to not feel guilty
... to stop saying sorry for awhile
... to find the next roach
... to eat crab rangoon
... to go out with a friend on an alone night instead of going to the movies
... to get really grabbed by a book
... to go to bed early
... to learn coptic binding
... to not feel tired or caffeinated
... to hear about M&B's twins
... to post pics of D's robot creation

I've found some of the answers. Some I'm waiting for no discernable reason. Some I'm getting clues about.
I've been posting more over here than I have here. I'm glad it's February. I'm glad the sun is still slanting across the streets when I'm bringing the boys home from school. I'm glad they both performed at school last Friday, and enjoyed it. A reading in class and a song on stage for D, a guitar solo on stage of Jingle Bell Rock a-la-Cobain by F, so said the witnesses. I'm glad I have two boys. I'm glad I spent half an hour in the park alone late last night, thinking and making a butt-tingling snow angel. I'm glad I'm ready to crawl into bed.

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expectations


Happy weekend between Christmas and New Year’s! Things have been all over the place here, meaning very little has gone according to plan or expectations, but we’re moving right along I'm trying. Both boys woke up several times in the night before Christmas, and so none of us slept well. Douglas woke up Christmas morning with a huge barking cough, a fever, a super sore throat, and the desire to do nothing but lay on the couch and sleep and whimper. Poor kid, he didn’t enjoy much of anything that day. I stayed home from the Christmas dinner we were to all go to, at the house of one of his best friends, and we got cozy and watched The Polar Express instead. His presents were opened sporadically throughout the day, with a couple smiles but no enthusiasm. I confess to being pretty irritable about it, feeling a bit gypped myself. I ended up falling asleep at 8.

Friday was good, and I’d arranged a few days before to spend the night w/a girlfriend whose family was out of town. We were to hit a movie, have some wine, and stay up late talking. I’d planned to come home in the morning after my run and a swing past the farmer’s market. As I was walking out the door after dinner I discovered that my dear husband had forgotten to tell me that the job he’d started that day was a rush one and they’d have to work right through the weekend. I had to be home by 8am. All of a sudden a relaxing night with no real deadlines turned into a ‘get to bed at a decent hour so I can get up and home’ kind of night, a whole other thing to me. My expectations had to be reset, and it wasn’t easy. I ended up ditching the run and market, and getting 5 hours of sleep. It was still great to get away, but somehow it seems harder and harder to reset my expectations as I get older. Why is that so hard? I really count on those few hours away to balance out my time at home. I hadn’t really taken time away, except for errands a couple nights, for a month. I hate that my balance is so fragile that I start to fall apart if some bit of me-time disappears, or social time with other adults gets removed. I hate that I even have those expectations and needs, but I do. There’s guilt attached, a lot of it. Guilt for needing to be away from my kids. All that. I tell myself I should be grateful he's got a week of work after two months with none, and I am. But it doesn't cancel out my need to be alone at times, and that feeling increases when it's vacation and I have both boys 24x7 for two weeks.

On the other hand, I had one strange but certain expectation fufilled, and it was fabulous! I had Douglas enter a coloring contest online, and when I downloaded the sheet for him to color I had a 98% sure feeling he’d win. Totally random drawing, no way I could be sure, but I had that insane certainty. Sure enough, I looked online Christmas day and he’d had his name chosen as the winner of a new scooter. I told OMSH, who ran the contest, that she and God made a great team :). Unreasonable expectations that were competely met! It’s only happened to me a couple of times in my life, but each time it’s been right. He was delighted, and it means that he can throw out the old partially-fixed one we’d salvaged from the neighbor’s trash last year that never worked right. I’d call that a blessed Christmas!

(mostly cross posted from over here)

Updated to add as of Sunday: Fynn and Michael both have the fever/chills/hacking thing going on now, and D is better but still hacking a lot. At least I managed to get a run in before M left for work, only 45 min but I did more exploring of a new 'hood and stopped for a couple minutes in what's becoming my very favorite place to talk to God ... the middle of the Brooklyn Bridge. I even had it to myself today which was even better. I dragged the hacking boys to the store to stock up on juice and lemons and a couple other things, then worked on D's puzzle with him and then played Candyland before sending him to bed with a book and a flashlight. Did I mention it's 63 degrees here today?!

a bit of a rant on my day

M's at work again today as he's back to 6-day weeks, and squeezing in apt repairs at night and rather tired. The boys are alternately playing quietly and tearing the house to shreds in their antsiness, it's cold and rainy out. We were out twice this morning, to the vet and farmers market, and neither got to run free in any way so it didn't really help the energy issues!

You should have seen the vet trip ... I couldn't get the cat carrier out of the front room in time as R (out subletter in the front room) was still asleep, and M was off at work already, so I had to take the boys, and the cat, sans carrier. I put him in a cardboard box w/a lid, in fynn's larger stroller, tied down with a bungee cord. (time out just taken to remove fynn's hands, and the paint roller, from the tin of quick-drying spack he got open. joy. all the tools are out from under the bed as M's still in the middle of the upstairs patching project. there are days that living in a small apt. does me in!).

back to the cat. D pushed fynn in the small stroller, i pushed dominic in the big one, having to stop every half block and shove his head back down in the box as he could push up the bungee cording no matter how i wrapped it. still has some fight in him despite being weaker! we get to the vets and thankfully there was a fish tank in the lobby. a few minutes of relative peace.

then they put us (and, barely, the 2 strollers) into an exam room, asked a few questions, and told us to wait for the doctor. one lady brought in crayons and coloring pages, which helped for about 90 seconds and then became a source of strife. crayons broken, lost, thrown in the trash and denied retrieval (I'd seen her throw in a bird-poop-kleenex, who knows what else was in there!) fynn darting behind the exam table and heading for the giant ... uncovered ... bin of used syringes under the table. over and over. dominic trying to escape the room, with the back door having been left ajar. the large container of raisins/cranberries i'd brought to distract fynn being accidentally dumped all over the floor. one floor that i would NOT let them be eaten from (there aren't many to be honest, but the vets office is one of them ...) so many tears as they were dumped in the trash.

vet finally came in, examined dominic on top of the coloring pages, with the remaining broken crayons skittering off the table. i danced between holding him for the vet and soothing him, grabbing fynn and stopping him from pushing the stroller and tangling it up in the 2nd one, and trying not to think about dominic's actual condition. the vet said it could be kidneys, diabetes, or a couple other things, and wanted bloodwork run.

i called M about it while she was out of the room, swallowed tears that it wasn't going to be done but felt it was the right decision, loaded cat into now-wet-from-pee box, wadded up the wet towel in the end, strapped him in, strapped a fussing fynn in, and eventually manoevered both strollers back into the waiting room to pay for the exam and hairball creme we ended up with ... wondering how much of the chaos in the exam room had been highly audible, thru the flimsy door, to the now-full waiting area. decided i didn't much care. accepted help getting the strollers out the door, and breathed a sigh of relief that it was, for now, over.

would feel guilty if i hadn't had him checked out, and will see how the week goes. might take him next weekend (or after the marathon) to get the bloodwork done. will see.

originally written to my folks in an email, repurposed here.

hmmm

feeling nostalgic today. found lots of pics on facebook of people that I haven't seen in ages, remembered what it felt like to have a huge crowd of people who were familiar to me and I was always eager to see them. went to a birthday party and saw friends I haven't seen in ages too, and it was good to connect. one mom lives near me and we've never managed to get together outside of our mutual friend's kid's birthdays, but mayhap we will this time :).

ran 21 yesterday so pretty flat for the whole weekend, let the boys watch a movie yesterday and sat on the couch all afternoon. starting to see what they mean when they say that marathon-type distances really increase your chances of injury. my left ankle is my weak spot, and i'm sure hoping it lasts.

had a bizarre scary incident tonight which makes me think i better start locking the door here. the new neighbors upstairs had a bbq this afternoon, and lots of people up on their roofdeck. not long after i put the boys down i was sitting (oh surprise!) at my computer in our bedroom and the front door opened. I tensed, got up and walked towards the door, and saw a man step into the apartment and stand there looking at me, with something in his hand. i wasn't wearing glasses and only the dining room light was on, so i wasn't sure what it was and he just stood there looking at me. i said something like "what do you want?" and he muttered something like "sorry" and walked out, leaving the door open. i followed him out into the hall and found him trying to let someone in the front door, fumbling with the latch. it took me a second to put the pieces together: there were some bbq guests hanging out on the front porch, and he was a bit drunk and had mistaken our door for the outer door. i came in, shut the door, and put on the chain. my heart was pounding a bit there, not knowing what he wanted and why he was standing there w/out saying anything.

douglas puked up his supper after i made him eat 2 pieces of cheddar cheese with it, as his only protein. sudden aversions to cheese, though he loves it in melted form? go figure. i won't be forcing that one again.

i miss my family, and my husband. i'm glad it's only 2 more weeks. the time apart has been good, and i think we've grown to appreciate each other a lot more.

must advertise for a subletter, i've been dragging my feet tho the room is ready. responded to one ad, but didn't post my own. have to get that rolling. acceptance.

hmmm.

Friday Musings

I've done nothing but post pics lately, and I have more waiting in the wings, but thought I'd babble a bit instead. Missed it, did you? Riiiight.

Been thinking a lot lately about what to do when this mostly idyllic summer is over, and I'm not sure what's next. We both really really want to get land and build something simple on it, but as the moolah to do so is in no way in evidence yet, there are hurdles to be passed. Lowering our expenses once we return to Brooklyn for starters (another tenant most likely ... big sigh) and figuring out what income we need and where we want to settle.

The house we were at last night (returning G and D's visit to their summer quarters just an hour south of us) helped cement the desire to build from stone, near water. They are staying in a converted stone barn on a huge acreage tucked into some forest, next to a pond and river. The stone walls, pine floors, and light and space was wonderful. We ended up spending the night, and slept in one of the upper bedrooms with windows thrown wide to hear the frogs and crickets and rushing water. I was, however, fully awakened at 3am (after half waking up at 2:3o when Michael crawled in) by something thumping around the room, loudly. It sounded like a rat or squirrel, and my first thought was that one was getting into the bread in my bag on the side table. Michael fumbled for the light, to be greeted by a large bat flying frantically around the small room. (The wide open windows were screened, I'm not sure how or when he got in.) I let Michael dance around, take out screens and try to shoo him, and watched from my perch mostly beneath the covers. Conveniently, he swooped out into the hall, then back into the room, but clonked himself on the door and fell straight into the empty bowl that was propping the door open :). Michael slapped the screen he was brandishing down over the bowl, we looked at and admired him for a bit, and then tossed him out the window. He was a good 10" across at least, and rather nice looking to be honest. Lovely interlude :). Then we overslept a bit, and made it back just in time for M to head to work. I got my bikeride in at noon, and am a bit burnt as a result.

Back to the fall and what's next ... I've been really pulling away from wanting to coach for the last few months, babbled about it before with no answers, and have rather enjoyed having 2 clients on hiatus and only one active one for the last month. A truly lazy-feeling summer, despite a few weekend trips as we take full advantage of having a car. (A car mind you that needed new brakes/discs/CV joint last week ... we're splitting costs with the owner, but ouch.) The last time I had the "want to let it lapse" feeling strongly, I got 3 new clients in a month without doing anything. This time? I've gotten 3 requests to work with other coaches and mom-sites, one to do audio recording, one to be a guest writer and panel discussion speaker, and then one today that's for a possible panel discussion slot at a huge WAHM conference in the fall. Pursuing the things to see what the possibilities really are, but a little unsure. Once again, I did nothing and the things were dropped into my lap. God telling me to keep pursuing it? Not sure, but they are open doors for now so I'm looking into them. I did say I didn't want to do marketing and finding of clients, and these 3 things are all things that will drive traffic to my sites at the very least, if not get me clients. Hmm.

It did prompt me to put a new face on Sane Moms, as squarespace debuted a huge new upgrade and has lots of new features, and it went reasonably painlessly tho i haven't checked for broken links yet.

I'm getting stronger feelings about how I'd like to live, and what I don't want to continue with, and if coaching is to be a part of that in a formal way, then so be it. It certainly seems to be for now.

ah well

they didn't take fynn's picture, printer wasn't cooperating and fading ink meant it wasn't contrasty enough. gave up until we get to MA. can't imagine the lines there will be as long as here! hot, sticky, and getting things done slowly ... got the car picked up! have more packing/putting away to do, lasagne to make and freeze (how else will i use up a huge tub of ricotta and mozarella before we go?)

off to nap, up late talking with my dear cousin R and SO glad for her help this weekend! then more packing, and more packing ... it never does seem to end. trying to look at the house from the perspective of strangers, and wonder what will interest them and what they'll never notice or comment on. got a pseudo fix in the bathroom 'rotten' corner, should hold till we get back. never thought i'd be screwing old plastic cutting board into the crumbly drywall remnants, but it 'looks' ok! recaulked the tub for the 3rd time, hoping it's the charm? scrubbed w/bleach and blew a fan on it all night, hoping it was a moisture issue. either way it's all that will be done on it before we go. down to one computer/monitor to sell, and hope to have them gone by tomorrow. need to find a mattress still, though i suppose if we don't they'll survive the ancient one that D sleeps on now. it's pretty bad though.

off to nap ...

i ran a 10k yesterday morning, as the heat-wave was hitting. did my best time ever of 57 and change, not bad for 80+ degrees and climbing! learning more and more about staying aware of my body, and regulating my pace based on my hydration and heat levels. good info to tuck away for marathon time. realized too that i need to pick a charity to run for that i actually believe in, not just the easiest one. have to do some digging there.

in the quest to simplify things digitally, i spent much of today eliminating outlook, on my way to eliminating ms office altogether with openoffice instead. I can't afford the upgraded software anyhow, and we're consolidating all the computers down to one, so it seemed easier. i've got all but one of michael's accts working, as well as all mine, so that's pretty good progress.

douglas went to the yankee's opener today with a friend whose dad had free tickets, and i was told he was so intent on the game, and the thought of catching a fly ball, that he wouldn't leave his seat! he came home with a free bat thanks to it being kids day or some such thing, and entertaining descriptions of the hitter and thrower :).

it's pretty beastly hot, though with fans in every room and the house closed up it's not too bad. i get a bit claustrophobic though. it's a cool 75 at 11pm, and I'm beat.

i feel like a cat

in lieu of talking about my current mental stew, the subject of hair comes to mind. my hair, in the spring, reminds me of a cat. my scalp gets dry, my hair oily no matter how much i wash it, and it seems to fall out in chunks. i'm tired of fishing it out of combs, off shirts, the shower drain, and off the counter or out of bowls when i cook. ugh. i swear i should wear a hair net, and could weave a nice white blanket (for the cat a least) from all the grey/white hairs i've found. it feels a bit like I'm shedding my winter coat, and i sure would enjoy curling up on a sunny windowsill and just staring at the birds for awhile.

i gave D a haircut a couple days ago, and he hurriedly ran around collecting chunks of it from the floor before I vacuumed, and put it in a jar. why he's saving it i haven't asked, and am not sure i want to. perhaps because his father collects every bit of cat hair he combs out of dominic and puts it in a jar? likely connection. i've asked why on that one too, and have no satisfactory answer.

fynn is the only haircut-less one in the house, and though D got his first cut just before his second birthday, and fynn is practically eating his bangs, i'm not ready to chop his yet. i haven't gotten enough pics in his flickr hair group yet. or something.

why is it ...

... that when I sit at the computer with my chin in my hand, and feel a zit or two, it prompts me to go immediately and eat yet another piece of chocolate, which I know prompted the zits in the first place?

i detest hunting for childcare ...

I thought we were done with this for awhile, but apparently not ... the sitter I found just last month, who was perfect in every way, just told me today, very apologetically, that her freelance work is starting up again unexpectedly, so she can't keep watching fynn. i do trust that something will work out, but it was rather demoralizing as that's my only link to taking clients and getting anything done at the moment! i started putting messages out right away, will see what comes of it.

in other news, M should have a phone by wednesday! yay for communication.

my first demo class for group coaching (spring session) is tomorrow, but I have no expectations as I did only one email to a bunch of listservs late last week. i hope to do more this week, and put some notices up, and see what happens. it forced me to put some materials together anyhow!

adjusting

it's been a hard week. yesterday was the worst i think, hitting the 5 day mark and a solo weekend day without schedule. we missed him more then. friday night was great, with D and i staying up late to play scrabble while fynn went to bed at the usual time. we put it aside around 9, and finished it saturday during fynn's nap. it's amazing to me to have a child old enough to sit down and play scrabble with! he did amazingly well for a barely 6-year-old, and caught on quickly. i pitched in and helped some, but he had a word almost every turn, and got creative in how he put them on the board. the silly factor increased as we went on, with crazy words and suggestions :). a lot of fun.

i discovered that the Y has babysitting on saturdays also, so fynn got to go to the playroom while d was in karate class, and i had an hour to spend writing/thinking/on the phone. too short a time to change/workout, it just gets annoying. i called my friend T in michigan, who i haven't talked to in ages upon ages. had to, as her cat featured prominently in my dream the night before. very strange.

i was walking down a windey road into a valley, and found my friends M and E&M living in trailers near each other in the middle of the grassy valley. talked to M, waved to E&M, and walked back up the road, using my cell-phone for light, it was super dark by then. met my mom/dad in a minivan, driving around looking for T's old white cat named Lily, which they'd lost (she has cats, but none named lily in real life). i was bothered that they'd lost her, and helped look. they gave up and started home. i stopped outside a little cafe/roadhouse at the top of the hill, and saw a white cat's tail, severed, stuck to the ground by itself. i was horrified, realized it was Lily's. Then I saw her, by the cafe door, wolfing down food that the owners had put out in case she showed up. I grabbed her, holding her tight so I could take her back to T. Her tail was of course missing, but the spot looked healed and not the least painful. all very strange.

so I called T, told her about it, and had a great chat :)

i felt pretty lonely saturday, and was gearing up to watch a movie after the boys were in bed when S, my old roommate called, and wanted to come hang out. yay for adult company!! wine and cheese and pistachio ice cream along with real conversation and estrogen and all that :). i dragged myself to bed at 1am, knowing i had to get up at 7, wake the boys and haul them to my friends house so she and i could go on a long run before her husband had to go to work. that we did, and 9 miles later I felt wonderful. i love both the running, and the after-effects. home to more time with S who had crashed on the couch, and life feels livable again if not perfect. hoping Fynn wakes up in time to hit the new flea market down the street.

Squeezing

Feeling a bit like I can't breathe again today, and have this voice playing over and over in my head every time I start to freak out. be still and know that i am god.

trying, I am, though it's hard. things feel like they're about to come crashing down around my ears.

i should be party planning for the boy who turns 6 tomorrow, but there's not a smidgen of budget for that. he did get a great present today, courtesy of a gift card his dad had squirreled away from his own birthday. Perhaps i will regret getting a power tool for a 6-year-old?! His dad's suggestion of course. A toolbox full of his own tools, wood glue, etc, and a cordless drill with a full bit set. It's the smallest they have (7.5 volts) but you can still do plenty of damage with that to just about anything. When i repeated a friend's concern to M about what he could do to his little brother with it, he replied that he doubted he could drill through bone, F had a tough skull. thanks for the flippant reassurance.

will i ever be done nagging and correcting homework? changing poopy diapers? freaking about bouncing checks?

be still.

(ok, I'll try)

no, really ... be still. and know. that I. am God.

ok.

the roller coaster

yesterday was a great day ... started off at 6:30 with a run, and got my printer fixed (finally!) just in time to print off a proof of the postcards for michael's show, so he could take them along and show them to the gallery owner who was coming to check out his studio. they ran off and I did a whole bunch of little things that I can't even remember. but felt good about :).

they showed up at the house, unannounced, while i was just getting ready to finally get in the shower and rinse off my running stink. the house was a wreck from fynn's morning fun (buttons all over the floor, stale cereal, toys on every surface, clothes all over the bathroom floor, etc ...) and he stayed for an hour looking at more work and talking! nice guy, very realistic and honest, and left with the promise he'd think it over and get back to m. the deal being that he has lots of work, but not a lot that visually 'fits' together as a show. he had 8 pieces that he thought would work, but wanted to check with a curator he works with.

then i got another trial session request on my coaching site, the 2nd in two days after none for ages. very relieved! i think changing my landing page and reworking my prices/offerings have both made a huge difference in people 'getting it' at a glance, and being willing to give it a try knowing that the pricing is highly affordable. (well, for them, not me!)

i stayed up researching media contacts, m wrote out an artist's statement, and we crashed.

this morning i opened one of my travel-deal-newsletters and clicked on one of them as usual, looking for deals to go to chicago for s's wedding in 2 weeks. we've been given money from a couple people to help with costs, but it wasn't quite enough to cover the price of 3 tickets and we have not a penny to add to it. i found rates $40/lower per ticket than I'd seen in the last 2 months, ran to the bank and deposited/moved money, and ran home in time to complete the transaction before it timed out :). yay! tickets to chicago for all of us. m hasn't been for a year or more i think, and it's time. so glad i won't be flying solo w/the boys, fynn is so mobile and having him in a lap for 3.5 hours isn't a fun thing at all, no matter how many distractions!

then m and i traded cat-naps before he left for the studio. i got up from mine to find a very disappointed m with news that the show was off. he's still promised one, but not until he has a more cohesive body of work. he learned a lot about how to navigate, and it means that there's actually a chance to do proper PR and get the media potentially involved when it does happen, but it feels crappy none-the-less. Rather tantalizing to have it so very close, but not. it's hard to go back to the friends and coworkers you've told, and 'untell' them. it's hard to know what to say, if anything, when he feels down and is looking for ways to deal and move on. men process emotions so differently and at times i'm at a total loss.

I've stopped doing PR research, watched him off to the studio to paint, and am about to dive headlong in to tax info gathering in the hopes that we might get a return from an e-file in time to partially salvage the finances.

distractions

things have settled down a bit, at least emotionally. i distracted myself well today, resulting in some feelings of accomplishment at least!

michael got a new website. at last!! i designed his last one for a birthday gift about 7 years ago I think? it's still hidden here for a few more days, but that will disappear soon. getting the journal properly ported over was easy, but getting the links fixed? ugh! between his penchant for naming files with lots of spaces, and the different ways he uploaded photos (and my lack of forethought) it was rather a pain. holler if you find anything missing or mucked up! he loves getting comments of course :) he's off at the studio again to work on getting stuff together for the show, I'm sure I'll be throwing together a postcard tomorrow as soon as he gets pics to me and approval from the gallery owner.

side note: watching the academy awards out of my left eye, and so far my favorites rock! marketa and glen are singing falling slowly (a bit dressed up, but the same thrashed guitar :), and marion cotillard just won best actress for her amazing portrayal of edith piaf in la vie en rose, a movie i loved. michael sang an edith piaf song at our wedding. fabulous movie too. hoping the once crew gets it for best song. (edited to add ... they did :)


ran again today, as well as a thirty minute speed run on the treadmill yesterday (after taking forever to figure out how to work the thing!) did 5.5 miles despite a lack of sleep and the most draining day of my period :). felt good. really good in fact, that i wasn't totally drained in the end, but still had energy and could have gone a lot farther. never could have said that even 2 months ago.

distractions can be good. i still have things to figure out. the fact that the finances are rather it the toilet isn't helping the overall stress levels, and is rather testing my faith at the moment.

The weekend

It was a good one. A long one. And an exhausting one.

Saturday I took D to a birthday party for one of his classmates, who recently moved out to the boonies (read: the very last stop on the subway that goes out into Queens near JFK). It was to start at 12, and as most kiddie parties are 1.5 to 2 hours long I did my best to arrive on time. We got there at 12:15 after a mad morning scramble to get the farmers' market shopping done, as well as buy and wrap a gift.

We were the first arrivals, and the mom was adding balloons to a perfectly 'manicured' and decorated apartment. I mean decorated ... every doorway, ceiling, table, and surface was either spotlessly clean, or covered with pink princess stuff. M, the birthday girl, was in a cute princess dress and had her hair done up. Her 3-year-0ld brother was also dressed up, and D was in his "Ape that lives in a canyon" costume, complete with cape, beaded collar, belt, and light saber. I'm sorry I failed to document it, it was pretty good though I have no idea how an ape comes into it! They settled down right away to room showing, trains, and lego. The mom had vast pots of homemade soup on the stove, just in case people came in cold. I had some, along with samples from the huge chip trays and grape platter.

As she rushed in/out bringing an ice cream cake, more pop, pies, and who knows what else, a few more kids/moms trickled in. Four other kids from their class were soon running up/down the hallway and getting underfoot. The mom continued to rush around, and eventually disappeared to take a shower. By the time she got out and dressed, paid for the 6 pizzas that were delivered, made a salad, cranked up super-loud techno music and turned on the gigantic flat-panel TV, the party appeared to be underway. It was 1:45pm, about when I'd expected to be gathering coats to leave!

The women kind of gathered around the kitchen and she commenced to share the sordid tale, in great detail, of her recently-separated husband and his exploits and habits, along with his total lack of interest in the kids. There were two other single moms in the group, so the discussion was lively and full of advice and sympathy. She's a super over-achiever in my book, but I can really relate in some ways. She's Cambodian, and says that it's truly cultural to take care of every little thing possible for your spouse and kids, treating them like kings. She'd done this for nine years, along with providing financially for everything. She leaves her house at about the time my boys wake up in the morning, takes a train and bus and walks to deliver kids to school and a sitter, takes the train into the city for work, and repeats it in reverse at night, arriving home somewhere after 7pm. Then the whole homework/dinner/housework routine.

I was exhausted listening to her, and felt sympathy. I also felt it a bit of a wakeup call as to my own overachieving tendencies, or desire to have it ALL thank you very much.

More people arrived around 3, the cake was FINALLY cut and devoured at 4:30, and we caught a ride home from friends in the neighborhood. My ears were a bit worn out between the music and the talking, and I was ready to crash.

Before I crashed, I sent M to the studio to work on his art overnight, and asked that he get home in time for me to run Sunday afternoon, and then have a date.

..................................
Sunday when he got home I was napping, and feeling sniffly and tired still. I tried hard to find excuses to not go running, but eventually ran out of viable ones and got out the door. I'm finding the statement that long-distance running is more than 50% a mental game to be very very true. The negative self-talk that springs up is amazingly consistent! How can I possibly run any farther than last week? What if it makes me sick? My ankle hurts. I'll get stuck too far away from home and be too tired to walk back. I'll have to use the bathroom too many times. I'll get dehydrated and the fountains aren't on ... yadda yadda yadda. You get the idea.

I escaped, started my run, and talked myself through about 40 little points of wanting to quit or give up, and ended up getting in 9.5 miles in 1:32. The thought of running for over an hour and a half was so laughable just 4 months ago that it's hard to imagine. That was more than 1/3 of a marathon :). It felt absolutely wonderful.

Then the day was capped off with a date with my husband, including a visit to his studio (first time in over a year I think), getting to see his latest painting that's about our relationship, some fabulous sushi, a visit to our old roommate S in the east Village, and then a 2.5 mile long hunt, at midnight, for the crab rangoon that I was craving. We passed umpteen japanese restaurants, McD's, Dunkin Donuts, and Starbucks that were still open, but not one single chinese joint. And we went thru the village, circled Union Square, and up as far as 20th street. Go figure. I sadly settled for some horrible Taco Bell (scary at 1am with a girl puking in the garbage bin and a *really* horrible bathroom. We ended up with a cab home as I was literally staggering with exhaustion by that point.

A good weekend :)

cheerful

in an attempt to cheer myself up, I wore these yesterday, and the day before. kinda worked.

yesterday was pretty blog-worthy, but not sure if my finger is up to all the typing.

a pretty cool thing happened friday night. while talking to the homeopath i'd gone quite a bit into past friendships, the meeting/church division and how it affected me, and how i felt about it all. i'd mentioned always wondering what happened to many of the friends i lost touch with, asking friends for updates whenever i could, and so on. Then about 7-8 years ago i went to a huge funeral for a young girl i'd known before the split, and ran into 4-5 girls my age who i hadn't seen since the split, but had spent lots of time at camp and conferences with. i was thrilled to see them, but found not one shred of answering interest or connection.

it devastated me in a way, that my hope that others still cared was 'proven' untrue. I didn't take into consideration until 4 days ago, when talking to my husband, that perhaps their distance was due to the fact that i was still part of 'the meeting' at that point and therefore assumed to be strict, judgemental, and so on. i was clueless, just terribly disappointed.

when telling the homeopath about this, i had one girl, VK, in my mind. her name was escaping me at that point, so i talked about R and C instead. she was at that funeral as i recall. after dinner friday night, when checking my email, i saw i had a new friend request from Facebook. From VK herself, who I had no idea was on there. Mentioning in her request that she didn't think she'd seen me since we were about 16 at Lassen or something like that.

Amazing timing, thank you god for the connection, and very funny!

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thank god for fingernails

I finally have the bandaid off on my left middle finger, and a reasonably healthy scab going. I only yelp occasionally. I'm still only typing with my fingernails on my left hand, making me have the most ridiculous and funny-looking typing posture. They're not long enough to type at an angle, so my fingers have to be perfectly vertical. Try it :)

Saw my homeopath this morning, so she could take my case. The case of my general malaise/chronic respiratory issues and so on. A "constitutional" remedy. It's a bit like going to therapy (I think anyhow, never having properly been) where I talk a LOT about myself and how i feel and think and so on, and she asks periodic questions, most of which are "I'd like to hear more about X" and off I go on another 15 minute answer. I certainly can talk about myself for long periods of time. Three hours this time. She's going to analyze/process my case and get back to me.

The nice part? She's doing it for free, as I have NO money to pay her at the moment. She said whenever, don't worry, it all works out. Rather nice, that is.

I was going to write up a lovely post about making ethiopian food, which I've been doing some of lately, but spent 3 hours on one INGREDIENT yesterday (a large batch so I would'nt have to do it again for a long time) and managed to burn it in the last 10 minutes. The good thing was I didn't get angry, or particularly depressed, just resigned. And wiser. And bought more butter and spices to make the ingredients (spiced butter and berbere pepper mix) that go into making the INGREDIENT (sauteed onions with berbere and spiced butter ... there is a better name but it escapes me.) I'll try again this weekend. I need the INGREDIENT to make Doro Tibs Wat, a chicken/hardboiled egg stew. You can see it's taking on some undue significance due to the amount of work.

The lady who's website I got most of the recipes from talks a lot in sharing her recipes, and I love the commentary. One comment on this onions is that she misses the help in ethiopia, the women cook together. I think I would love that, despite my Stay Out of My Kitchen vibe when I'm cooking. It's small, compact actually, though perfectly functional. I love having other hands and divvying up the work. Just not small hands hugging my knees and chanting "pease? joos? pease?" while shoving a dripping sippy cup at me. I love the small hands mind you, just not when my own hands are covered in raw chicken or hot pad holders, and a tad unavailable.

Snippits

This is the funniest thing I've seen in ages. Must have kids to relate I do believe.

And this made me want to have another kid. Not necessarily for viable reasons, but it did.

I think 2:29 am is a good time to retire? I love staying up late, and hate the morning after. Go figure.