because i felt like it

Day 30 - wrapping up

I watched the workmen on the house behind me build a fence today. I did a radio show on empowerment and moms. I thought about limits, and where they come from. I thought about what inspires people, and what keeps them going and loving what they do. I thought about martyrdom, and my tendency towards it but my lack of feeling that way lately. I talked to a friend in the ER. I visited the newish YMCA, to meet the lady face-to-face who i hope will get the Y to sponsor my race. I felt disappointed the article was postponed until next weekend. I got over it.

It's the last day of NoBloPoMo, and the last day of November. As I seem to be babbling tonight, here are 30 things about me that are of varying degrees of interest.

1. I have a tattoo on my right hip, of a snowflake
2. I tried to date my brother-in-law for years before admitting I was more attracted to his younger brother
3. I love to go barefoot, everywhere I can get away with it, but hate getting comments or stares.
4. I've been kicked out of a club for being barefoot
5. I have a chip out of my front tooth where a drunk stranger clonked me with a beer bottle while putting his arm around me for a photo
6. When I was about 8 or 9, I doubted that I'd been saved 'right' so I asked God over and over again to take away my sins.
7. I distrust organized religion, but find it comforting
8. I love smoked oysters, manchego cheese, and dark chocolate
9. I'm a snacker by nature, and hate big meals
10. I'm so connected to my grandma that I'm not sure how I'll handle her eventual death ... I've got a big chunk of her in me
11. I HATE getting up in the morning, and always want to sleep in
12. I got so nervous the first time I went to church with my parents after officially leaving the church that I puked in the bathroom in between meetings
13. I also puked after running the mile in 5th grade with a time of 6:46
14. One of the most joyous moments of my life was while spinning out of control before totaling my Jetta
15. I pee in the shower
16. I don't change my kids diapers until I absolutely *have* to. Thank God they don't get diaper rash.
17. I can't watch horror movies, period
18. I'm not good at giving my opinion, but generally have one, though I'm getting more confident in sharing them
19. I just plain can't dance, unless, no, there's no unless. I can't dance.
20. I can't look back at the 2 years I spent in PA without cringing
21. I can't feel good about leaving/moving until it hurts to do so
22. I miss my garden, trees, dirt that I can wiggle my toes in, moving water that's not in a gutter, and the smell of fresh-cut grass.
23. I miss my friends, the ones I had real time for before marriage/kids, and feel frustrated that I don't have the time to spend with them. The bit I do get is like gold.
24. I hate obligations. I make them for myself, and accept them too readily from others.
25. I need praise from others to feel good about what I'm doing, but feel guilty for it.
26. I have a scar on my knuckle from having a wart burned off as a child
27. I got my first kiss at 21
28. I'm insanely proud of my kids, and am afraid of what I'd be without the experience of having them
29. I'm proud of what I've accomplished in the last month, and can only hope December will be as interesting
30. I love what I've been given, who I've become, and what I've been able to do with it so far. Thank you God.

Day 26 - Patterns

I've always been a bit obsessed with patterns. Visual ones like the Altair Designs I colored as a kid. Finding the trinity in nature in countless ways. Seeing how music mimics nature mimics math mimics science (Godel/Escher/Bach). Seeing how people's behavior is so often predictable, patterned, and logical despite the emotion in it. I've been told I'm too analytical, and at times I am. I fall back on looking for patterns, analysis, and solutions in order to avoid confrontation and emotion. But it has it's uses.

Seeing the patterns in my client's issues started the whole SaneMoms thing. Dig deep enough, and there's always a connection or some kind of symmetry. What brought the whole thing to mind was reading a kids version of Leonardo daVinci's life the other night, which I'll pulled out of a curbside stash for Douglas. He was obsessed with patterns at an early age, and the connections between things. I could relate ... to that part of his life at least :).

It's been a dream of mine to have a place where people of all different fields could come together and find ways to use each other's insights. Physicists with cellists with mathematicians with artists with CEOs, finding common ground. Throw in a few kids and you have magic. I haven't thought about that desire in a long time, but it's still there. I get restless when I think about it, and all the things I'd still like to learn. I always seem to be more of an enabler than a master of any one thing, and am always a bit at war with that. I get bored easily, or should I say impatient? I whipped through a pair of curtains this weekend, without measuring, while fending Fynn off the sewing machine and talking on the phone, and got them done despited the difference of an inch in the lengths of the two panels. Panels, shmanels, they went up anyhow and I don't care. Neither do the boys, who are thrilled.

How did I get there from patterns? I guess I'm convinced that the underlying order of the universe is still very visible, tangible, and understandable, and getting glimpses of it gives me joy. I always want to 'back up' far enough to be able to see the connections, and not get lost in the details. Doing so means I can't get too deep into any one subject or I feel like I lose the perspective I want so badly. If that means making half-baked projects, or half-finished careers, so be it.

I loved the crazy movie they showed us in grade school about the Golden Ratio, and all the places to find it. Cartoonish dancing rectangles hovering over seashells, monuments, and plants. Google fractals and see what you find.

I like patterns.

Day 19 - Memorable events

Master Sulker

Today has a first and a second in it, both memorable.

My first registrant for the race signed up this afternoon, woohoo! 99 more to go and I'll be thrilled :)

Tonight is the 2nd time this year that M and I are going to a concert, and as it's sans kids that also means it qualifies as a date, andI could probably count on one hand the number of dates we've had this year! Looking forward to Martha Wainwright and The Swell Season. Martha I had to look up on YouTube as I'd never heard her, and the Swell Season I only know from the movie Once.

A good day :)

The above photo isn't entirely representational of A's visit, but I couldn't pass up such a perfect sulk shot. They got along amazingly well actually.

Day 13 - Comfort Zones

I went out with a fellow mom tonight, for a drink and conversation, as we're both up to our eyebrows in projects that are really a stretch for us. She's planning a huge dinner party in her home for a bunch of snooty upper-east-siders (on a block where you still stand a pretty good chance of being accosted by drug dealers) and I'm doing this race/website thing. We both are driven by something that's compelled us to jump in headlong, despite the fact that we've never done anything like it, and have absolutely no reasonable expectation that people will come.

I like going outside my comfort zone, despite the fact that it gives me the shakes. I get equally excited and terrified when I get into (willingly or not) a situation where I feel way out of my league. Part of it I'm sure is the challenge. I love a good challenge, and have always thrived on it. My dad's family is rather notoriously competitive, at least among the brothers (all 6 of them) and there are tales of us kids being banned even from even watching their Pit games as kids because the shouting would get so loud we'd wake up later with nightmares. I come by it honestly :)

But there's something thrilling about committing to something that you haven't a clue how it's going to turn out, but know that if you ask enough questions and knock on enough doors, you'll probably find all the pieces at least. Or just taking a chance on a person, not knowing them at all. One of my great friendships started with an extremely unlikely meeting where I was offered a chance at an opera ticket on a whim, I took it, and the dinner that came with it. During dinner, barely knowing the man, I then took the chance of asking a very personal question. When it was answered honestly and openly, we embarked on a friendship that's been rich, rewarding, and still very unlikely. I went WAY out of my comfort zone, and have never regretted it.

As I tritely said to my friend tonight, over an issue she was having with a man ... our greatest fears as humans are both that we'll actually be seen and recognized for who we are, and equally strongly that we won't be seen and recognized for exactly that.

Day 7 - Crashed

Now that I'm not fending grubby hands away from my mouse, ignoring jumping on the bed, having a snotty nose wiped on my shoulder, changing diapers, fretting about my still-"almost"-but-not-quite-approved funrun that is supposed to be in 5.5 weeks, peeking into the frontroom to make sure the MIA roommate isn't in actuality petrified in there somewhere, or spelling words or nagging on homework ... I'm too tired to write. I actually fell asleep on the bed after getting Fynn down around 7, vaguely remember a goodnight kiss from D around 8, and woke up at 9:30 to M wondering aloud if he should go to the studio and reminding me that i might want to blog. I still feel that sluggish, don't wanna be awake but forcing myself brain fuzz, and am inclined to obey it's heavy tentacles and do just that. You know that almost-sleepwalking state where if you don't move too quickly or hear a loud noise, you just might be able to slip right back in the cocoon and catch another few minutes? I'm giving in ...